Food of Fear

Humid hot. Ocean rose out of water melded to sky. Walked in water. Not drowning but drowsy. Sought to drown myself in sunken place. Sign-less space, white walls. Red ruby oils. Cabernet dark, rich blood, neon bright. Tender fish. Lift his soft body, lay on a rice pillow. Crawl in its blanket. Bowl for two. Ate alone, mightve actually been me. Ocean tides continue, never leave you alone. Dream of waking, laying on its surface. She wanted to be alone with no land around. Drift. I fall easily.

Hand my younger self jar of cherries. Little fingers swim in its nectar. Cherry nectar gloss. Sticky fingers, place them on my lips. My love. Cherry, my love. I grew old. Chewed around the seed of the black cherry. Darkness of the sun, lakes mist white, breeze light. Catholic church. Stand sit. Ritual repeat. Lotus stereotype Chinese & rumors of the cherry stem. Never ate. Fake puke racism. Complained it was an ingredient engrained. Undeserving fortune, a lotus seed planted in my belly.

Adopted by little red truck on the corner. Torched the pork, careful. Be gentle to its belly. Caress it with the tongs. Afraid, I was afraid. Lips tingle, Szechuan spice. Body heat, spicy meat. Sweat, grease falls. Rains, its slow, sit in the back. Rice steam, rising smile. Puddle rings bend reflection of neon red sign. Pork filled fluffy buns and sweetest soft mooncakes. A kiss & a fish on the moon. Boiling pot cooks thin meats, its color changes. I want to learn.

Kimchi seeped soup. Mirror crystal walls, shimmering, I see myself on a drop of sweat. Fire rises, red bubbles come to surface. Deeper, darker, flavors infuse. Pork fat renders garlic smells. Aromatics swirls, dancing in the air. Light beer, cold air, the fan hits my face. Teacher talks of heaven food, God-sent holy comfort. My finger is red & I was burning. My tongue, fate, place. Waste a sip, lose its bite, soup goes cold. Eat hot. Burning in heaven.

Knife held to throat, red truck. Kid never ate. Fear. Knife sliced, love. Red was the snapper I sliced, red was the blood of my boss. The face of my dad. Volcanic rain, black rocks. Thought of cherry. Pork buried in the ground, I dig my grave. Black sky, Fuego bursts, lava in the distance, Lotus flowers in ash. Awaiting fish to come. Smoke rises through the dirt. Warmth of soil. How long can she float? Reiterate my need to love, to feel.

I touched fish, I ruined fish. I remember how my knife swayed, how it continues to. Ruin my knife, jitter on the stone. Not even by me trying to do that can I do that. No cuts yet, she had cuts. Afraid of food. Methodical chaos, disorder, Im inside that. Obsession and dysmorphia. How do I keep my knife straight? Sibling stabs, cherry juice flows down the mountain. Hide in car, wont stab Lotus food. Give my fortune, slow journey of love.